First Month on Testosterone

Introduction

HUZZAH! At last, behold: my first blog post. I have been wanting to make a blog for literally *years*, and been wanting to add my first post to this website for over a year as well. I haven't been able to decide what the exact purpose of this site should be, and my understanding is that that's common and so I expect to make several more websites and many posts that get lost to the void and link rot and so on. But here we are: at least for now, we exist. In the words of John & Hank Green, we're here because we're here. And now I'm *here* here, on this blog.

I expected the first thing I talked about to be some long-winded movie review, perhaps something about Star Wars and/or Ewan McGregor (and that *will* come, don't you worry), but inspiration finally struck shortly after I did my third shot of testosterone. It's now been three weeks (edit: almost 8wks as of editing this, but I only wrote about the first four weeks) since I started masculinizing HRT, and I have found the initial experience fascinating. Obviously, I have experienced minimal (though non-zero, which I will discuss later) physical changes, and what most people are interested in is the long-term effects. You know. Passing. (Finally.) But I was surprised that the "feeling more comfortable in my own skin" part happens much earlier, and I would have been very interested to hear about people's initial experiences, so here I am to talk about that!

Background

Started transening my gender the summer before my freshman year of college (17, for non-Americans). Fell down the she/they > they/them > they/he > he/him pipeline but it all happened within a couple of months. I've been using he/him primarily for about four years now? Waow!

Went back and forth about going on hormones for a while, but my perception of my gender/preferred presentation has only masculinized with time, and I do experience physical dysphoria ranging from "well this is not ideal" to "I'm gonna kill myself if I look/am perceived like this forever." By my book, you're not required to have dysphoria that bad (or at all) to want/deserve/start HRT, but for me I realized, well, yeah that probably would help a lot with that huh. Didn't have the money for a long time; lived in one of the states where I was worried about losing my access to gender-affirming healthcare; finally moved to a state where that's not the case (YIPPEE); got a stable job; and here I am!

My gender is still inherently non-binary, I've gone back and forth about the label "genderqueer," but explicitly I just present myself as a binary trans man. Since that's what most people (kind of) understand. Internally, I actually feel very feminine, like a feminine man who's kind of a girly pop but definitely a man but like. Kind of a queen about it. I've enjoyed experimenting with my gender presentation and even the different ways in which I view myself (which I'll talk about later), and I am hella looking forward to my body masculinizing so I can continue doing so with more accuracy to how I actually feel inside. I get the sense that people interpret my gender as either butch lesbian or twink (despite me definitionally not fitting either of those labels). To me, I feel more like, "man" on the inside, with a coat of "girl" around that, and then the outermost layer is "man" as well. And it's that simple! Not sure why the cisgendered can't wrap their heads around that! Lol.

Pre-T

Obviously, everything in this blog post is personal to me so your mileage may vary. Here's my experience: I currently use a telehealth provider, TrueU Clinic, to prescribe my hormones. My understanding is that it's more expensive than other providers so I may switch eventually, but they made the process of starting much easier, less scary, and I suspect maybe faster? It was pretty simple: initial intake appointment via Zoom, blah blah boring paperwork, get lab work done (blood drawn; in-person of course), follow-up appointment about lab work (healthy! Yay!) and discussing my dosage and answering questions, obtain prescription & pick up medication (double yay!), start treatment (triple yay!). I will have my first follow-up appointment after three months.

I had some issues with my pharmacy not being able to fill my non-medication prescriptions like for a sharps container and the needles and syringes themselves. The sharps container I ended up getting from Walmart (boo, I know; I'm going to use a coffee creamer bottle or similar after I fill this one up), and the needles/syringes I got online [link here](https://www.medical-and-lab-supplies.com/products/nipro-luer-lock-sterile-3cc-syringe-with-needle-bx-of-100-click-for-all-available-sizes?variant=50979641622846) My provider recommended I buy the needles on Amazon but we ~don't do that here~ so fortunately my amazing friend Sydney recommended me a different website. Thanks Sydney. :]

Psychologically, it was a mixed bag. I was nervous, I was kind of excited but nervous about whether I was excited enough? I had moments of euphoria (ending my initial intake appt; picking up the medication), but not as many as I kind of thought I would? I found myself essentially checking in weird places within myself for signs that I was making the wrong decision, that this wasn't what I wanted, but I couldn't find that in myself either. So, I just want to put that out there. It's a medical decision. Ultimately it is a little boring, and it's certainly not fun ALL the time. That doesn't mean you're making a mistake.

I also found it helpful to accept that I had (essentially) two options: either I start HRT, or I don't. Of course there's nuance, but at least right now, either I take T or I don't. While I was nervous to start, I realized the alternative is *definitely* not what I wanted.

Starting T

After a long debate (and I had a while to decide this while the needles were on their way), I decided to do my injections on Tuesdays. T-day. I also like this day because it means I don't have to worry about it over the weekend, including if there's an extended weekend on Friday or Monday.

That first shot, I was really fucking nervous. Leading up to this point, I had been relatively neutral, but for some reason (lol, it's a true mystery), when I got home from work on the day of shot numero uno, I was an emotional wreck. Highs and lows. Mainly excited to start this particular journey (finally, finally, *finally*), and nervous about the medical aspect of injecting medicine into my own body with a needle. For context, on a scale of 1-5 with 1 being "looking at the blood coming out when getting blood drawn" and 5 being "can't even read this blog post due to medical anxiety", I'm probably like a 3.5. Not particularly squeamish but definitely not comfortable with the idea. I'm "likes to bring a cute band-aid with me so I will man up and get the flu shot." So the idea of doing it *myself* was pretty huge but not insurmountable. In the end, while I hadn't started a timer or anything, I think it took about two hours to go from "okay let's do this" to "putting band-aid on afterwards." The second shot took me about an hour, and the third and fourth shots were about thirty minutes each. Spoiler alert: I am editing and posting this at closer to 2mo on T and now it takes me about 10mins.

I cried very much before that first shot. I can't even fully describe the anxiety and excitement and relief and nervousness, it was just a lot. I wanted it to be a big historic moment, and it kind of was, but it wasn't at the same time. Like I said, it's just a medical decision. I actually kind of regret how much I hyped it up. I think it can be a big deal if it feels like a big deal, but if it doesn't then that is perfectly okay too. Relatedly, I've had people ask if I'm planning on doing the whole "series of videos in which you can hear my voice changing," and I don't think I am going to do that. I don't know why, it just doesn't feel important to me. Perhaps I'll regret that, but I feel like I've got plenty of videos of me out there. Maybe if I can't hear the difference, I'll start, but for now I think I'm good. I have enjoyed chatting with people about what differences I'm experiencing so I do think maybe I'll write more blog posts about my experiences. That just feels more true to my preferences. Basically: just do you, man. You don't need to do what the people online do, or what your friends do, even. Listen to your body and do what aligns with your intuition and preferences.

I decided I want to be selective with who I want to tell about having started HRT, mostly because I think it will be funny to speak on the phone or see people in-person again after who knows how long and see their surprise and confusion and see whether they decide to bring it up. I think trans people should embrace a little more casual gaslighting! We only get one chance!

A little "self-administering shots holy fuck what" advice.

I've heard a variety of tips from both medical professionals and Fellow Injectors, so here's a collection of tried-and-true advice (that worked for me. YMMV.)

Changes?

This is where the fun begins. Obviously, I have not experienced any long-term effects yet. And none of what follows is medical fact, it is purely anecdotal. However, I do know that one's hormones fluctuate (everyone clap for my medical knowledge please) on a daily/monthly/situational basis, and that short-term fluctuations in testosterone have some effects, which I believe I am currently experiencing. So, while not permanent, I am still seeing some effects which is fun and interesting while I wait for the good stuff. I hadn't considered that that would happen and I haven't heard anyone else talking about it. When I do my three-month follow-up with my provider I'm going to ask them about this and see what they say. But for now, allow me to explain my experiences so far.

The main thing is that, after a couple of days, I noticed that it's getting easier for me to use the lower part of my vocal range. You know how in the mornings your voice tends to be deeper and you get that Sexy Morning Voice? It's not like my voice is reaching new lows, but rather that I can use that "morning voice" all day everyday. It doesn't hurt, it's not difficult, I'm not even really trying, it's just how my voice is coming out. I'm really interested to see how my voice changes; I've heard some about how basically your brain has to play catch up with your lengthening vocal cords and that's what causes voice cracks, and something about how an archetypal "man's voice" is both the physically longer vocal cords as well as socialized things like tenor or whatever the fuck, and so vocal training is often needed in combination with hormone treatment to achieve the ideal voice. So, we'll see, but so far I'm surprised at how I've just started speaking at the bottom of my range without trying. I just wonder whether that will keep happening when my vocal cords actually lengthen or not.

The second most obvious trait I've experienced is essentially just gender euphoria. Which is funny, because aside from the above, basically nothing has changed. Somehow, I feel just a little bit more comfortable in my own skin, & I flinch away from my reflection a little bit less. I must say, I'm working a very physical job now which has been increasing my muscle mass in a great way as well. But it's not just about my physical appearance. It's like, the way I see myself internally has changed. In a VERY positive way. Like I said, I've identified fully as a man for a while now, pretty much my entire adult life. But, it's like I see myself as more of a man than I ever have before. It's worth mentioning, I also work with more (straight, cis) men than I ever have before, and they are very affirming. I've done more of those bro handshakes in the past two months than I ever have before in my entire life, and my coworkers all refer to each other/me as "bro/brother," and so on. So that probably helps. But I don't know, man. I guess it does kind of feel like I've gone from "guy/boy" to "man." Which is what I really wanted-- I've always felt like I was a little girl and then I grew up into a man, except my body did not change that way, and that's where the dysphoria came from. What I didn't realize is that I wasn't ever really viewing myself (perhaps because I wasn't allowing myself to view myself) as a *man*. I think I just tried to view myself as little as possible.

I've been more irritable & more easily angered for the past week than I've been in a very long time, which is interesting. I have multiple other factors in my life potentially contributing to that fact, but based on the other mood changes I wouldn't be entirely surprised if it was correlated. Again, no science here. Just documenting my thoughts.

Excited for body hair! More excited for facial hair than I was expecting; that was one aspect I was most nervous about/that I didn't necessarily want, but I've found that I now want to see if I can grow a moustache. Excited for body fat redistribution. Curious to see when I start passing; I know it's not always linear and it varies significantly, but I think I will be quite okay with androgyny as long as I'm not being read as a woman by like 90% of people like I am right now. I think it will be a fun experiment, like it was when I changed my name (perhaps I'll make a blog post about that!) I actually don't want to lose touch with all the femininity that I feel right now so I'll be curious to see how my relationship with that changes. I want to keep this newfound feeling of masculinity while remaining in touch with femininity as well. My hope is that eventually I'll feel so comfortable in my masculinity that expressing femininity becomes freeing and fun again instead of a painful reminder of how people automatically perceive me, so that will be exciting.

Conclusion

Starting HRT was one of my three major goals for this year and I'm so fucking proud of myself for taking the leap. The conclusion is GOD IT'S SO WORTH IT. TRANS YOUR GENDER. PHYSICALLY. MEDICALLY TRANSITION. DO IT NOW. (When you're ready. But also, if it's safe, you're ready. Do it. If you want. But you should totally do it.)

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